Food bitching

Not "the food is bitchin.'"

I did get a decent bagel at Bialy's. An ex-New Yorker guy I met informed me that, no, I didn't get "a" bagel. I got the only bagel in Cleveland. The rest are the dreaded bread ring.

Today I paid $6 for a bottle of Sriracha. I was delighted to be able to do so. The store SOLD Sriracha. This is most certainly not a given.

I found some tortillas. Alas. They were mass-market corn tortillas that turned out to have wheat in them. And a whole bunch of other weird shit. Manny, the tortilla conglomerate guy, has gone to the dark side.

There are no local apples that I have seen, despite an article in the Plain Dealer reporting an epic apple harvest this year. Ok, I'm still figuring it out and all, but damn. Sell me an apple from Ohio! I'll buy it!

And speaking of the Plain Dealer. It is really a good paper. Solid international coverage, a lot of local news, and much, much more actual content than, say, the Chicago Tribune. It even has comics! Did you know that "Mary Worth" is still being published? No "Phantom" though. And it has a gigantic classified section every day.

But. But. There is a food section called "Taste." It is full of food abominations.

They include a story about and recipe from a woman who makes a vast amount of tomato sauce in her garage. The article includes a long disclaimer about how this recipe JUST MIGHT give you botulism. According to the government or some other such clowns.

Got a lot of zucchini on your plants this year? (You have a huge back yard. Duh. What do you think your $800 a month is paying for? Just that three bedroom house?) "Coat slices with a paste of garlic, olive oil, and ketchup, then grill and chop. Toss with cooked pasta tossed with a little oil, then dress for a room-temperature salad with feta cheese, kalamata olives, parsley, and a simple vinaigrette." Ketchup. On zucchini. With pasta. Ketchup with olives. Ketchup with feta. Ketchup?

Perhaps the most indicative of the tenor, though, is a recipe I read. I quote.

Homemade Skillet Meal Seasoning Mix

2 cups powdered milk
1/2 cup dehydrated onion
3 tablespoons beef or chicken bouillon granules
2 tablespoons garlic powder
2 tablespoons onion powder
2 tablespoons dried parsley
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 1/2 teaspoons ground black pepper

Add that shit to a pound of ground beef and some egg noodles. Maybe some canned mushrooms! Eat up, Cleveland!

It's my theory that they spell out the measurements because if you gave a rat's ass about your mouth--and therefore knew the abbreviation for tablespoon--you wouldn't be making this.

Then I looked in the Plain Dealer archives. They have an article about how mustard is good on hot dogs.

Help!